We Still Not Having Sex
Damn, you still not having sex?
Day after day couples walk into my office and I hear we had sex once this month. We had sex a couple of months ago. I just masturbate and they never reach out to help. The kids make us tired at night and I'm so busy that I just don't even be thinking about it. We had a good day and cuddled but they just didn't seem to want more.
I always struggle when I hear sex is the issue no matter how busy. And let's throw out some facts. I'm a single mom. A businesswoman. Work multiple contracts. Supervise and do therapy all day. I'm a friend, daughter, and granddaughter, tackling a second doctorate, and engaging in my hobbies.... and you know what.... sex is still at the top of my priorities.
Look these marriages, these commitments to one another need intimacy and these men need you to give up the cookie. I could spend 400 years talking about how we end up in this space as couples and how kids, family, work, and life stressors can send it to hell but let's just get into how we fix it. Cause sex is life. Well and ice cream.
Person 1: I'm tired of initiating. Person 2: I'm just so tired:
Sometimes sexual avoidance has taken its toll. Partners hardly know where to start without feeling like they are trying too hard. Take your time, let your goal be to have fun, and take a step. REMINANCE about the funniest or best sexual experiences you had together. See how good your memory is about what, when, and why–when comes to the early days of your relationship. Talk about that! All day. Activate those feelings. Download Gottman Card decks. It has loads of cool questions that you can do a day to learn about each other and how to remember when y'all use to go at it like rabbits!
KISS. KISS. KISS. I'm talking in the morning with the morning breath. After dinner when you smell like garlic. In the middle of the living room during a commercial break. All the damn time. Start kissing. Devote 15 to 20 minutes just to kissing a day. DO YOU HEAR ME? Kiss every day. According to Helen Fisher, expert, and author of, Why Him? Why her? kissing sets your brain into high activation because all of the senses are involved in kissing. Your lips, tongue, and mouth are packed with neurons that are responsive to the most subtle sensations. Attachment hormones are elevated, stress hormones are reduced and male saliva contains an abundance of testosterone that can prompt sexual desire.
See where it goes. Maybe it leads to sex!
RESEARCH –I've over and over said Google is my BFF. You might want to grab a Magazine and read the latest sexual advice. Watch an erotic movie or series. That can evoke all types of activity, touch, or guess what?! SEX! Netflix legit got Porn on it now. Just joking but not really. Shows like Love and 365 NDI had me ready to pounce on everyone. Books like Sex Matters for Women, actually have some great chapters for couples.
And then there's that word! INITIATION. Initiating sex can be a trigger of past confusion and resentment. Start again by considering creative, funny, unexpected ways that you each might initiate. Amazon got lots of sex games for couples. Watch porn and try some new stuff. Explore with your mate. Look up different fetishes, kinks, and/or interests, and TRY THEM.
AFFIRMATION AND AFFECTION--
The sense of being special to someone goes hand and hand with increasing sexual desire. If both partners make an effort to be their personal best with grooming, the stage is set for enhancing the sensual and emotional connection. What a gift to compliment a partner when going to come in a day. Appreciation for little things is central to the feeling of being noticed and of being valued. Pay attention to each other and blow smoke up their ass but mean it lol.
REDUCES STRESS—Health and well-being are essential to enhancing sexual interest and responsiveness. Support each other’s stress reduction strategies—be it meditation, mindfulness, exercise, reading, walking, gardening, etc. Loving another means being happy with what makes them happy and reduces their stress.
If this doesn't get you in the bed or on the couch then counseling may be needed to look at some other issues present.
May your nights get shorter due to all the passion being stirred up